Tuesday, 3 March 2009

What the Hell! Boris Johnson Rules OK!

Post number 204

Hammurabi applies. You may find incomplete sentenses and misspellings.

Boris,

You are now Martial Law Secretary of State for arts, culture, theatre, CABARET, circuses with or without elephants (thank you Middlesbrough. Efficient manager in Gareth Southgate), film, Glastonbury, Morris dancing including the paramilitary type (without sticks), Scottish Caber throwing (let it all hang out, boys!), opera, and all other similar activities.

How the hell should I know? I only came here in 1985.

If you have Ken Livingstone’s full back up in doing your mayoral activities, than you can spare time to take up your new duties in the craziest possible ways only you know how to. Besides, Ken is a trusted team member of mine as a founding member of the Mandela Foundation and President Chavez’s transport advisor.

There is a little caveat attached: Reading the blog, you will have noticed that government is defunct and both houses of parliament are abolished. Therefore, you will have no loyalty to the Conservative Party and you will not be brow beaten by the number 2, William Hague no matter however much respect I have for his politics (minus Thatcherism). I voted Hague/Hammond in 2001, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Now then, you will have a VIP coming over this summer who is a special one. She is the president/prime minister of Ukraine, and goddamn it, is she good looking or what? So behave yourself. She will be coming in full Ukrainian national dress, and I will fall off my chair and die if I saw her on TV. So, I am going to bin the TV as of now. So no worries there then.

The Ukrainian leader will be coming on my invitation to join Gordon Brown’s team of 20 in April. There will be more of them coming. In fact, Project Earth does not distinguish between a NATO Europe and the whole of Europe. There will be no nuclear or other defensive shields mounted any where on European soil. There will be no need as testing them from time to time will wake up babies. That is not allowed.

Europe does include Russia that extends all the way to Japan and near Alaska. If the Asians don’t like it, tough titties. I have given them a couple of ideas to integrate and get stronger.

That leaves Turkey. With NATO, they are out of Europe. Without NATO, they are in Project Earth’s Europe. The choice is quite clear. Use your Turkish heritage and convince them, Boris. Levent Sertmehmetughlu (Imperial College alumnus and friend), are you around to give Boris a hand?

Oxford University break: AS Jeremy Paxman said, rules must obeyed, there you have it then. Congrats My Yeo, the captain and Manchester. You deserve it. Its a shame it’s one of my own Surrey boys (Mr Kay) that let you down, Gale.

I have a joint project for both teams: Can you read all 30 books by Roger Scruton with a magnifying glass and look for sentences, paragraphs, and chapters that are devoid of 1 + 1 = 2 kind of logic. Write the inconsistencies in campus publications and send press releases to the national press for wider publicity.

Start with the first book, find the publishers, how many copies sold, find book jacket designer, look in to their respective histories, and meanwhile send your findings to my “sniffer dog teams” around the country.

They are the venison detective teams busy at work uncovering illegal slaughter houses, production and packaging factories for exporting the produce overseas, etc. You see, we have a massive surplus of thousands of tons of venison that the working classes have never tasted and never will but until now.

They export our product, and then import New Zealand venison here, process and package it and sell it as UK produce. Clever, isn’t it?

Team up with Kevin Ashman, Judith Keppel, the Egghead team and the deer hunters. Gangs running the venison show have among them people who have made our lives a living day light. Grass route supporters of Roger Scruton and the like are among them. Chop off the routes.

These people have sidelined brilliant scientists and academics with thousands of intellectual property items setting at the bottom of in trays or binned or sold to America.

Since my freeing the nation of the grip of psychiatry, Cambridge University came forward and announced that 30% of UK’s noble peace prize winners are Cambridge people, the professor who cloned Dolly the sheep up in Scotland announced his alternative way to embryo thing by using stem cells or whatever, a company in the North of England announced that they have zero emission cars. Only now, they have an order of £25 or £250 million contract to supply.

This is incredible, isn’t it? I should know, because my own dry cleaning ideas have been trying to come out for more than 20 years with no success. Unbelievably, I had to get rid of monumental obstacles with the Pope as a common denominator in all of them in order to get closer to my investor Bernard in Australia, and Barnaby in Central London who has been sitting on my company’s logos for nearly a year now, with no progress in sight. We are almost there, folks. Just hang in there.

The A to Z of UK universities: Do the same as Oxford, Cambridge and Manchester. Flush out all the Scrutons. Start at the top, i.e., the most distinguished and noted professors who draw an immense amount of respect from the establishment. In particular, target those who are the mouth pieces of the establishment.

I have one for you: Sir David King, advisor on the environment to Tony Blair. Take him apart compasses. Work with Professor Phillip Alan of Imperail, Martial Law, Environment and girl colleague who wrote the book "Did Earth Ever Freeze?!"

Back with you Boris but briefly: With your new duties, I am really paving the way for you to give the world an Olympic in 2012 that even Beijing will wow it. You don’t need that much money. You need freed heritage, culture, pride, dignity, Morris dancing and stuff that will stun the world. I have opened the door, and will keep watch from my bunker (always indoors). You and Britain do the rest.

Good luck,

Mohammad Karim Ahamdzai,
Team Leader, Earth Projects

PS There is something in the air...

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